(From my old Substack)
A couple of weeks ago I bought an orange after lunch. I was going to eat it while studying in a café on campus with my friend Liv. But I was feeling restless, so I left my bag with Liv, grabbed my orange, and went out for a walk.
During lunch that day, I had remembered the Snapchat story I had created to share from my life in Beijing with people at home. I thought I had done a good job with it in the beginning, documenting my travel down here and the first couple of days. I enjoyed the fast replies from my friends and wrote down a list of things I’d like to post about over the semester. A tour of my Beijing apartment. An ode to my new Osprey backpack that was incredible to have with me on the journey down, with a special thanks to Marie who recommended this model to me. Pictures from outings with friends. But then I just forgot about it.
On this day, however, I decided I should to give it another go. My walk had lead me to a nice sitting-area facing the sun, nestled between bamboo and a couple of traditional Chinese houses. I thought: “Why not share this moment with my friends?” I grabbed my phone and starting snapping photos.
The first picture was of the orange by itself. I held it up. Tried to find an angle where the sun would hit it in a sophisticated way. A couple of local students walked past me. I got embarrassed when they looked my way. Then I told myself they probably think I’m an art student, doing a class on photography. Was that believable, with an iPhone? Not sure. I shrugged it off and kept going.
Now it was time for a picture of the orange, and me. I flipped the camera. My hair was flat (quintessential blond person experience: when it’s a little windy outside and all of a sudden your hair looks like spaghetti). I tried smoothing it out with my hand. Took some pictures where I held the orange up to my face, first facing the sun directly before deciding that having it hit one side of my face would look nicer. Then I thought the orange should be opened, and I should be eating it. I put my phone down, and started peeling the orange. The skin was thick and came off so easily, but I hardly noticed as I was thinking about angles and backgrounds. I took one bite and snapped a photo. It looked weird. I deleted it. I quickly finished the orange slice, and tried again. This process was repeated for a couple of slices.
A guy walked by. When we made eye-contact, it was like I could finally see myself from the outside. Sitting by myself on a bench in the middle of the park, posing with an orange. Looking very, very ditsy.
There was only a couple of orange slices left at this point. I looked at the pictures I had taken. Remembered it was just for my Snapchat vlog. Why was I in such a state about it? Also, why is it that after weeks of silence, this is the moment I chose to share with my friends? Four unprompted photographs of an orange? At this point, I was very much over the whole thing. I posted a couple of the pictures and put my phone away.
When I tuned back into the world, the mood shifted. I noticed the grass was swaying. One of the campus cats was walking by. I ate the last orange slices left and really savored them. I decided that unless I feel called upon to do it, I really don’t need to “vlog” anything*.
—
The first time I encoutnered the concept of “being present” was when I did theater in my childhood/tween years. Instructor Beate always talked about the improtance of really being present when we were present. I remember thinking yes yes, I’m here, aren’t I? I’m showing up — but if I’m doing what I’m supposed to, why does it matter what I’m thinking about? But Beate brought it up again and again. And eventually I gave it ago, and began understanding that being present really does make a difference.
Later that same week of the orange in the park, I went to Tianjin. I brought my camera with me and put my phone away with, discovering another type of presence. I was Maja, 9 years, again. Wandering off on family vacation and snapping photos of things that captured my imagination.
Yesterday I once again had an orange by myself in the park. This time I did not vlog it. But I had my camera on me, so snapped a couple of photos nonetheless. Also this time, people walked by. But it felt a little better to be taking photos with a real camera. I thought this time I could actually pass for an art student! And it might be nice to have something to help me remember the orange in the park.
—
There was a time, right after high school, where I was unhappy and had somehow worked up this idea in my head that the unhappiness I harbored was productive. It was like I thought that the more short-term joys I sacrificed, the greater my long-term reward would be.
Of course that’s not how the world actually works. I must have known that deep down, too. But I never told anyone how I felt, and therefore, no one ever got the chance to tell me that I was wrong.
Eventually, thankfully, I came to my senses and relearned how to enjoy myself. About half a year ago, I heard this line in a song that brought me right back to that weird state I was in post-RCN:
“All the living that you’re saving // Won’t buy your dreams for you”
I don’t know about you all, but so far I’ve pretty much only enjoy getting older. I guess it’s easy to appreciate since I’m not old — yet. What I mean is that I can feel that I’ve gotten at least a little bit wiser over the last couple of years. You live and you learn fr fr.
So yeah! Tuning into the IRL is important. It’s not always easy, but I think I’m doing a good job of it these days in China.
PS: did any of you see those TikTok videos about oranges in China? I still don’t know exactly what was up with them, but the fruit here really is so, so delicious!
*Incidentally, the vlogging spirit came over me just two days later. And now I’m having fun with it again! The mind can be so odd.
Maja's Musings 